The right mindset- mystery solved.
All my life I thought of myself as someone who is going to do something special in her life. Something big, that I will be changing people’s lives or at least be very successful career-wise.
I remember my grandma used to tell me that I should be a doctor and save people’s lives, or a vet since I’m so empathetic and love animals. My mum wanted me to play an instrument like the violin and my dad always wanted me to speak correct Polish and educate myself as much as possible.
I really liked all those ideas BUT have never done anything to actually get to live them. Well, I asked my parents to get me a violin and at that point, they must have known me well enough not to get me an expensive instrument. Frankly, I tend to get excited over something, spend lots of money on it, do it until it gets too hard, and then dump it in the basement.
Here it is- the story of my life. With luck, I was able to make it through my school years. I would never put too much effort into studying and do a lot of stupid shit that would put me into some sort of trouble. I was likable and probably that helped me with the teachers… It is not helping me now. Now, being liked by a bunch of people that don’t really matter to me doesn’t bring any sort of success or meaning. Hard work and commitment does- not smiles and taps on the shoulder.
So, of course, I failed to finish uni. Straight after college, I started a Sociology course- got bored and dropped out within the first semester. The year after I started Psychology. THAT was something I really liked, yet also dropped out after the first exams. I didn’t pass one and it was enough to put me off and not to try again.
So when I was 20 I decided to move to England. Me, a little girl who doesn’t know how to use the washing machine and could only sing the alphabet in English? Ha! Good joke.
It was tough.
For three years I could not speak English because I was working mainly with Polish people so it was impossible to learn it from hearing. I was too lazy to take some proper lessons so that didn’t help either. It took a change of job where I was surrounded by English-speaking people and a couple more years to start somewhat conversing with others.
I’m thinking now… Maaaybe trying to learn English was enough of a challenge for these ten years, and that is why I felt like I’m doing something meaningful. Hence lack of chasing something bigger? Sounds so sad, but might be just it.
I’ve changed jobs quite a few times, all of them in hospitality, retail, and customer service. I can tell now that I am well experienced in these fields but I have never taken it seriously as I thought it was just temporary. Fucking ten years. I always thought ” I can do better”. I never did. (Side note- I do not think working in a restaurant, retail or any sort of customer service environment is something embarrassing or the worst choice ever. Just not my ideal career path).
I got to this point where now I experience real burn out. I have always had these thoughts at the back of my mind that I need to do something else, that I am unhappy and I need change. At the beginning of last year, I kind of gave up and decided to accept what I do, where I am, and stop trying to find what I’m destined to. I was tired and pretending to be happy. I was mainly lying to myself. As I said- I gave up and chose the easy way- as fucking always.
Then I met someone who saw something in me and kept telling me how smart I am, that I should reach out for the stars, or that I could easily do certain jobs that people with degrees do (and they’re not even good at it). That person was my very supportive and honest as fuck boyfriend. If you’re thinking he was telling me all this kind of shit just to get some bow-chick-a-wow-wow action- you’re wrong. I seduced him on a second date- before any deep convos kicked off. Damn, right I did.
Jokes aside, he has awakened this never-satisfied-with-life monster in me. So here we go again. Lots of tears, frustration, anger, confusion, disappointment all sorts of shitty emotions because I still can’t find my place in this world. I started a course- guess what! Haven’t finished it (yet). I thought that was it but taking my history of not finishing what I started we all knew what was about to happen.
Well, shit. Still fuck all. The worst thing is that I think I missed my window. Everyone says ‘it’s never too late to learn a new skill’, ‘age doesn’t matter’, blah blah blah. Yes, it fucking matters. If I decided to go to uni, start a medicine course, or anything worth actually going full-on student mode I would be nearly 40 by the time I got a somewhat good-paying job. And not long after I could retire. Fuck that. And in the meantime what? I would ask my parents to pay for my bills? Nope. Learn a new skill? Ok. Go online? Weekend school? Cool cool cool. Pays £1000 for a course, creates a good CV, sends applications, and gets fuck all job offers. Maybe because of a foreign surname? Or maybe they sorted out how old I am and think ‘why employ a person who’s worked a little while now and probably have some higher expectations towards salary. Why don’t we hire a graduate for a minimum wage’? Anyway, you need time for that and working stupid hours, evenings and weekends are not ‘new career’ friendly.
So, as you can see I’m also an over-thinker. Big time. But I will dedicate a whole post for that sometime in the future.
Long story short I’m in a wrong mindset.
I need passion. I need something I can pour my heart into and my time and energy and be fucking satisfied with the result and proud of myself. And eventually, make it my income source.
I know I’m full of negative emotions at the moment. Disappointment, envy, infirmity, lack of confidence, constantly sad and miserable. I’m lost and tired. I’m tired of feeling this way and I know this affects not only me but also people around me. I love these people and I don’t want my internal battle to be the reason for losing them or what’s worse for their bad mood.
Finding passion is very important to me and I will dig deep and won’t give up. I do think though that changing the way I feel and approach certain situations or simply taking control over things I actually CAN control is the right way to start this journey. Letting go of the past is probably good too, right? Just because I was shit at finishing things or even trying new ones in the past doesn’t mean I can’t change. I can. Or at least I’ll try. I will try to get my shit together first, get into the right mindset and my passion will come to me in the least expected moment… Possibly on my deathbed. Just kidding. I really do believe I will get to live my passion.
Lots of love, Selfish Jo