Hey, How are you today?
Let me ask again, HOW ARE YOU TODAY?
I’m a mess.
Would you like to talk about it?
Yes, please. I would, I kind of need to.
We’re all used to pretending that everything is alright. Almost like this question “how are you?” has become meaningless. Because we think that people don’t really care however when the right person asks this question we should feel comfortable to answer it genuinely. Yet, normally we’re embarrassed to say out loud how lost we feel or how sad we are. It is so easy to believe to what we see on social media and television where in fact it is all acting, all “smile to the camera”, all fake happiness… Or not, there are still some genuine people as well but unfortunately, the majority is fake. It’s all fuelled by jealousy and craving more from our lives but then we are too busy looking at someone else’s [fake] happiness instead to work on our own. We focus on what we want and forget about what we already have. I said in my previous post that if we don’t appreciate what we have today, we won’t appreciate what we get tomorrow.
I’ve been through an emotional hell pretty much the entire 2020. I had a lot of time to think, and being a huge overthinker, too much free time is never good. But the overthinking itself is not the biggest issue. My insecurities are the problem, lack of confidence, self-hatred, self-destructing thoughts, trust issues, jealousy, lack of passion, lack of appreciation. All that combined did not help with my overthinking tendency.
I am a mess and I’m about to clean this shit up. It’s going to be a hell of a cleaning session, but it’s got to be done.
It’s time to take control back. I don’t know what happened and when it happened, but I completely lost control and became a mess. I became someone I don’t recognise, someone I’m ashamed of. It sounds harsh, but those thoughts make me want to change. Well, I say change, but I don’t really want to change who I am… I want to change my approach to certain situations.
For instance, I always wanted to be in a healthy relationship where a couple of people complete each other, where they’re not dependent on one another but they are this safe haven for each other. You have your passion, I have mine and we’re just there to support each other and live a happy life together. To have a partner that will not monitor my every move or try to control what I wear or look like or with whom I’m friends with…
I’m halfway there. Only halfway, because I’m the one who needs to combat my insecurities to become this person I wish I had as a partner. I have to eliminate jealousy, trust issues, control freakiness and everything that creates the problem in relationships. I feel like such a hypocrite because I want things in my life which I refuse to give from my end. Not intentionally of course. The good news is that I am aware of my insecurities, at least of those most troubling. That makes it easier to improve. I’m lucky to have a very understanding and prone to communicate partner so we can keep relationship difficulties under control.
The thing is, my approach to the relationship isn’t the only part of my life that gets affected. Because of a lack of confidence, I doubt myself on a daily basis. I have no passion, I can’t get a new job because I don’t believe I deserve it. I can’t finish my course or anything I strat because I easily lose motivation. I complain about my current job even though I’m actually lucky to have one in these uncertain times. I keep telling myself that I’m stupid, so no wonder why I can’t be successful. I don’t deserve to be loved because why would someone love such a loser? People don’t actually like me, I have nothing to offer. What’s there to like? I’m miserable, complaint a lot and it hurts when I smile. It feels so foreign when I laugh. I shouldn’t be laughing, my life is rubbish so there’s nothing to laugh about… Or maybe this is the last thing a crazy person do- laugh at their own misfortune?
What the actual fuck? I am such an ungrateful little shit.
This is just a little piece of what goes in my mind. There’s plenty more self-hatred involved but it’s enough to draw a picture. I should really get some professional help but I can’t afford it and to be honest, there are so many articles, podcasts, Instagram accounts about self-improvement and combating anxiety, depression, and a lot of great advice for free out there. This is amazing, right? I know there’s a lot of bad shit on the internet. I even mention this fake-happiness earlier in the post- which is probably one of the mild bad shits of the internet, but when you use it wisely you can get the most of the good stuff from it. To me, it is very helpful to look up ways of how to fight my insecurities. It is not an overnight change. It is a long process. I have to learn how to love myself and start to be grateful for little things in life. At this right moment, I feel ashamed for my self-distracting thoughts. Am I really that stupid that I can’t get a new job? No, I just need to work harder to get it. Is my current job that bad? It isn’t. I’m just ungrateful and bored. Can I not be successful? Of course, I can! I just need to get my lazy ass up and do something in order to become successful. And I do deserve to be loved and I am. It is not fair to say that. My family loves me, my closest friends love me and my partner loves me too, and I fucking know it, so maybe instead of creating unnecessary drama, I should appreciate people that love me for who I am.
I’ve heard an interesting point once or twice, which says: Would you talk to your best friend the way you talk to yourself? No. You would be honest with them, but you would not throw shit at them. You would never call them stupid or tell them how much of a loser they are. Instead, you would comfort them and help to find a solution to their problem. You’d try to make them happy. And this is so true. I talk to myself like to some piece of shit that doesn’t deserve what’s best. I don’t even talk like that to enemies. This is it-I have to treat myself as if I was my very best friend. I cannot expect others to treat me with respect if I don’t do it myself.
Maybe the fact that it is a new year, the time of new year’s resolutions and change makes me think it is a perfect time to start my journey to better self-care. However, I grew the idea in my mind for a long while. Now, I’m committed to it by writing it down, posting it, and publishing it. So this is not really my new year’s resolution, this is my lifelong commitment- to love myself and work on my insecurities.
In order to combat my insecurities I am going to:
- Treat and talk to myself like I would to my best friend– there’s no better way to show yourself some love with a warm and loving pep talk in front of the mirror.
- Practice daily gratitude– appreciation is a strong factor when it comes to inner peace with yourself and overall happiness.
- Work on my confidence with daily affirmations and exercising. It’s been proven that repeating positive statements to yourself will improve your mood and confidence-like creating a new habit-it just takes a little time. And exercise… well, it does make you look better, feel better and stronger, gives you a boost of energy, and improves your health. When you combine it all together, here you have a recipe for confident Selifh Jo ;).
- Work on my self-esteem by challenging my negative thoughts and controlling my approach to triggering situations instead of trying to control others, which should help with jealousy and toxic overthinking. (I feel like I should do a separate post dedicated to jealousy as it’s a very interesting subject and in order to fight it understanding it is key).
- Let go of the past and focus on the present. Highly related to jealousy and reliving sad memories what brings us down. Unfortunately, our brains are programmed to analyse negative experiences more thoroughly than positive ones, hence we remember the bad times better rather than the good ones. NERD alert- Neuroscience is awesome!
- Train my brain to eliminate self-distracting thoughts. That’s a tough one, but doable. There are plenty of methods to do that, but a simple distraction is key. If I keep myself busy I won’t have time for nagging myself. Planning my day will help too. I might even schedule a “worry time” in so I have limited time to do so, and then I can get back straight to living my life.
- Focus on myself. Find a hobby, try new things, try meditation. This is a “me time”. Self-care all the way, right? Being a perfectionist often stops me from trying new things as I would automatically assume I will not be good at so I would put them in a bin. Get out of my comfort zone! Just try something new.
- Create a new, healthy habit. Whether it is eating fruit every day instead of chocolate or getting up early, reading a book before bed instead of scrolling down the IG for ages, or even getting a phone detox once a week. Apparently, it takes 66 days to create a habit. Not 28 or 31 days but Sixty Six. Nice round-looking number. It is also scientifically proven. Just add something nice to your daily routine or swap something you’re not happy with for something more satisfying, do it until it becomes your brand new habit. Voila.
- Be more consistent with everything I do– from writing a blog post to finishing a book. This is related to creating a habit, but I needed to specify something I already do and enjoy. Being organised is very helpful here.
- Eliminate toxic people, vibes, social media accounts that cause my low self-esteem. I honestly can’t think of any toxic people in my life as I did this part a while ago, but it doesn’t mean I never meet this kind of people accidentally on the street, at work, or whilst grocery shopping. And the worst part is that when I do meet them and they say something mean I’m going to think about it for a while straight after and possibly in bed before I go to sleep. So by saying to eliminate the toxicity from my life I actually mean do not overthink it and do not take it personally. We don’t know what battles others are going through and when someone is mean to you it is because they’re projecting their own feelings and weaknesses onto you. As complex it sounds like, this should be the easiest thing to do, along with deleting all social media account you follow that make you feel somewhat jealous, that make you feel like you’re not enough or your life sucks. If you still think your life sucks after the elimination process, it’s probably a sign that all you do is moan and bitch but do fuck all to change it. And I know thins because deep down I know this is me.
Well, this has been fun. I do realise that writing down or even saying out loud those things we’d like to improve is not even close to the amount of work we have to put into it. It’s going to be a challenge that I’m going to take upon. The first step is acknowledgment. The second is a plan. The third is taking an action and being consistent. I’m about to take my third step, which is just the beginning of a long exciting walk towards achieving my goals and succeeding in all parts of my life.
Hugs and kisses, Selfish Jo.