I’m feeling hopeless today. I started this blog to express my feelings and thoughts and today is the day where I need it more than ever. Today is the day where I need to sit back and take it easy. I already managed to put a lot of pressure on myself. Getting my weekly post done, do morning yoga and meditation, eat healthier, work on my mental health, challenging negative thoughts, planning my days, finishing the course, combat insecurities, decrease jealousy, practice gratitude, sleep better, or sleep at all… The list is getting longer and I’m getting overwhelmed. And if I skip a thing one day and the another thing the next day I feel like crap. Can I do it all at the same time? I should prioritise, shouldn’t I?
I really want to gain confidence and believe in myself and I’m determined to work hard for it but days like today are not helpful at all. I’m upset, disappointed and angry, and I can’t decide if I feel that way towards myself or others this time. Today, I feel like I need to go to sleep and wake up when it’s all over. Magically wake up happy and free… Free from negative thoughts, people and guilt.
Just stop fucking crying. Why can I not stop crying? Why this uncomfortable lump in my throat appears every time I want to speak my thoughts out loud? I’m an adult. I should be able to speak up for myself.
I’m tired. I’m tired of putting other’s feelings above mine. If I hurt someone by making a mistake, the moment I realise what have I done I apologise, and if I care about them I do what’s in my power to make them feel better. My guilt is taking over and I’m hurting with them, but then, if they care about me they wouldn’t add fuel to the fire in order to make themselves feel better.
I’m completely deprived of energy and hope that everything is going to be alright. I know it will… But, not today.