Partners in Crime. No longer.

You know this feeling when you lose someone important and you’re so sad that you can’t eat, can’t focus on anything, can’t make an effort to shower, do your skincare as you normally do, wash your hair, dress something nice, go out, talk to people, not to mention smile? Do you know this killing feeling?

And then when you eat something, whatever, a handful of almonds or tasteless Doritos with some shitty salsa, cause you’re a human and you actually need some food in your system in order to exist… and to feel this sadness. You feel ashamed that you did something other than cry. You look in the mirror, into your swollen, red eyes and you think to yourself “You didn’t deserve that nasty Doritos. Your stomach should be as empty as your heart.” “Now go to your empty bed and cry twice as hard, cause you ate.” The shameful feeling of doing basic human activities.

They say breakup is close or even LIKE the experience of the death of a close one. From having to see them pretty much every day, definitely talking to each other every day, watching TV shows together, going to BIG Sainsbury’s- just as an evening trip to stretch our legs, and getting a drink “for the walk back” but then drink it at home in front of the TV or whilst playing video games… You have video calls in the middle of the night cause one of you prefers the nightlife and the other just can’t sleep. From doing all that and more to not seeing them at all. After that last, painful conversation, no calls, no texts, no catch-ups, no touch, no closeness, no more holding hands, no more calling each other “baby”, no playful wrestling. All gone. Like they died. Like they died, but you’re the one who’s dead… inside.

You don’t want to talk about it to anybody because the moment you mention their name you cry. Ugly cry. And now you’re embarrassed because nobody is looking at you like they did before- always a happy, strong and, what the hell, FUNNY woman. They try to make you feel better and they say bad things about your now-ex-partner but you know it’s all bullshit. And you get angry. Angry at them, at him, at yourself.

The “after break-up” has five stages. Yup, five stages of grief. Just like after the death of a close one. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. And it all takes its sweet fucking time. It sucks. It hurts so fucking much. Can I press fast-forward button? Pretty fucking, please?

Partners in crime. No longer.

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